we are family

Here's the good thing about bride brain-in the midst of worrying about catering, motel rooms, who can sit next to who, who hasn't rsvpd yet-who's going to show up at the last minute- who's not going to show up at the last minute- who forgot to get the champagne (Full disclosure- I was married this past Saturday, August 8, 2009 but still have bride brain) at some point you realize what family really means- we hear a lot of lectures and ranting these days about marriage being "between a man and a woman" (where are these people when young folks who are really boys and girls get married drunkenly in las vegas...but oh well) and adoption has been stopped in some heartbreaking cases where the mother is the one person who has loved a child but she's gay and the child is a foster child-The Battle Over a Baby (NY TImes July 22 2009) but we don't hear enough about the people who actually act as family, who love, who support, who are there no matter what happens, and not matter what their actual blood ties or titles are. Here are some examples from my and Rupal's families-. In my own case, 19 years ago, I was a single mother of four kids under the age of 10, in the middle of a soap opera divorce (I was the victim of the soap opera) and working full time even though my youngest (twins) were just going to kindergarden. I met Tom (my new husband!) when his restoration masonry company agreed to take apart a blacksmith shop at the museum where I was the Collections Manager and Registrar. It was love at first sight, and not only did we fall in love, but he spent the next 19 years raising my kids-we commuted between two states to keep us both sane-but he was there at 6am on Sundays when my three boys had to travel to wrestling matches, at 3 am when they came home after curfew in high school, and most importantly when they needed him-those moments every child has when they've had their heart broken in love, or is worried about a school project, or just needs someone they can trust.
In Rupal's case, her grandfather and grandmother raised one of her aunts as their own because they were childless for a number of years and her mother had several children. Her grandfather, gifted artistically, taught her aunt to draw henna designs- and yesterday her Aunt N. spent 5 hours beautifully decorating Rupal's arms with bride and groom portraits in henna. Sitting in a tent under the stars last night, watching N. laugh as Rupal's fiance searched her arm for his initials and the women and men sang back and forth to each other as part of the tradition, I was struck again that family are the people who love you in joy and sorrow, in sickness and in health, really, all the things traditional wedding vows include-and they may or not be your "official family" but what matters is that you have them in your life and they have you in theirs. Our US Declaration of Independence states :We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. " I wish more people in the United States would focus on granting their fellow citizens the "pursuit of happiness" and less on trying to define who is allowed to be a part of that right.

Our beginnings

In the midst of the details, we're trying to document. The crazy mood swings, the happy moments, the weight loss attempts, trying to stay smiling when the temple double books, or when the ideal dress doesn't fit, or when even getting your nails done becomes a stressor.

Bridebrain. A term I think Sue invented. For what makes two of the nicest people into man-eating monsters. Or weeping messes of raccoon mascara streaks. Or the hilarious moments in between.

It's a crazy busy time, but here's our space to vent, document, remember, and breathe.